Christmas, a pot and baked beans on toast

So this was a few years ago, my mum told me she had bought me a pot for Christmas, she always tells me what she is getting me, I’m not really sure if it’s in a ‘are you ok with this’ capacity or what, but I haven’t had a surprise present for some time. This is ok because I always get a chance to say, no, don’t get me that, what are you thinking? (Not that she listens but at least I have a say). I guess this must run in the family because I always ask the whole family what they want and get them what they ask for, they do the same to me, then at least you don’t have to feign surprise or the traditional “Oh my God, this is awesome, love you guys….” Without at least having practiced it a few times.

So this Christmas my mum told me she was buying me a pot. (no not pot, A pot).

“A pot?”

“Yes, a pot it is a good one, it costs a fortune and that’s what you’re getting.”

“A pot?”

“Yes a pot.”

“So why not just put coal in my stocking and be done with it, ma.”

“Stop you’re whinging, you’ll thank me in the long run”

“Yeah, I’m sure I will.”

And that was it, that Christmas, I got a $250.00 Saffron (this is yellow) coloured, Le Creuset (a fancy French brand) cast iron pot.

For background we always open our presents Christmas eve and have Christmas dinner after this, mum says it so she doesn’t have to do anything (cooking and the like) on Christmas day.

Lucky I have two brothers and a sister, to get supplementary gifts from, and mum never gives us just one thing, we always get lots of little things too, always individually wrapped, so you get an absolute shitload of presents (how much is a shitload you ask, well more than a few but not bucketloads!). If she gave you a pencil sharpener, it would be individually wrapped.

So the festival of present opening concluded, we retire for the evening meal now my mum is a seafood freak, she loves it, absolutely loves it, (she always makes me eat some form of fish product on fish Friday (this is Good Friday) and I manage to smother it with so much tomato sauce that even with scientific testing you would not know there was fish in what I eat of it). But back to Christmas, now she has gone out and purchased a Seafood extravaganza for this meal, lobster, crabs, prawns, oysters you name it she would have had some. As I may have mentioned I do not like seafood, at all, prawns at a push (the poop shoot must always be removed, ALWAYS). But still I am not a big fan. So mum begins cooking up Lobster Mornay, and chilli crab, eating the prawns and the raw oysters (I am far away at this stage – in my opinion eating a raw Oyster is on par with sucking down a phlegm glob – not a nice thing to do).

I am cruising around the kitchen trying to find the roast pork and ham that she must have hidden away somewhere, although I don’t smell it cooking, but I’m sure it’s just the seafood, stinking up the room. The closer it gets to meal time, it begins to dawn on me that this is it.

“Ma, we’re not having Lobster are we?” I tentatively ask.

“That’s what I’m having, you can have some if you want, or there’s the chilli Crab, some Prawns or a few Oysters.”

“Mum – you know I don’t like any of that stuff, where’s the real Christmas dinner?”

She laughs at me, LAUGHS! By this time I think that this is definitely it, but denial is still there trying to convince me otherwise.

“Fine then,” I say and head for the pantry. After about 5 minutes trying to decide what flavour of tinned soup I am going to have I spot a can of baked beans.

“God dammit – mum. I am going to have baked beans for my Christmas dinner.” She starts laughing at me again.

So I sat at the table eating my baked beans on toast, the rest of the family with Lobster or some other form of seafood (YUK!!).

She still gets Lobster every Christmas but I now make sure we always have a roast beast of some sort (even if I buy it and cook it myself). Where is the Christmas tradition in my family? Where? How can I have a great Christmas eating baked beans on toast for my dinner? Where’s the celebration in that?