Birdshit and a bone

So it’s raining today (as it was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before and even the day before that – I think). So what exciting escapades have I gotten up to over the weekend? A big fat nothing, I finished my report and sent it off, but my most exciting jaunt was out to buy groceries and to get my boy (this is my dog) a bone, which closely resembles the rib cage of a cow (probably because that is exactly what it is!). He spent literally hours trying to rip the ribs from the spine, I even went out with a hammer (ok it was a meat mallet) and a knife to give him a hand, but to no avail, that cartilage is something else. But I notice the bone is gone this morning, so I think it is secretly buried somewhere in an effort to rot those joints away – no doubt in a few days I will probably be able to tell where it is from the tell tale stench.

So the most exciting thing to happen today? Well the rain on my car today has washed away the bird shit that has been on the bonnet for about 2 weeks now (it’s just a car, I could give a shit if it looks clean). But let me tell you of the story of how it got there to start with. I park my car down by the river which is about a block from where I work, everywhere else it is 2 hour parking and the parking inspector gets around, so if you don’t want a ticket you park down by the river. So about a fortnight ago I parked my car under a Eucalyptus tree down there, in the shade, you know. Now I am not sure if you are familiar with the Sulphur Crested Cockatoo (these are big white parrots with a yellow crest) or the Galah (these look the same as the white Cockatoo’s but are grey with pink crests and wings). These fuckers always hang around in the trees here, the Australian natives actually(the trees that is), they eat the nuts in them you see. I blame these birds entirely for the rest of this story.

So I go to get in my car in the semi dark, as usual. I’m driving along (as usual) and I look toward the passenger side of the windscreen. I can see a grey/white looking patch on the window, but I am not too sure of what this is at this stage and think – hey lets get that off the windscreen.

Easy job right? Well it may have been if I had any water in the windscreen squirty things (I have no idea of the real name of these). So I hit the water squirty knob and what happens? Well no water to speak of but the windscreen wipers automatically go in an attempt to remove the water that isn’t there and in effect smearing this very fresh and very large pile of bird shit across the windscreen. I was like someone had thrown a bucket of white paint across the windscreen. I couldn’t see shit (yeah, I get the pun).

So here I am squinting through the whitewashed windscreen trying to make my way along the road. The worst of it is I don’t have a tap (that I can turn on – I am a weakling – I admit it) or any kind of hose in the front yard, so I limp (figuratively speaking, of course, I am after all still driving the car), with very restricted vision to the nearest Servo and pull up – to get petrol of course and hey, since I’m there anyway, I may as well clean my windscreen. I have never seen so much bird shit in all my life and I am very careful I don’t lean in it as I clean, don’t need to explain what that stain is.

I think I must have parked my car under some community branch for the birds, or at least their public toilet. So now I always look up when I park. No tree, that’s the spot for me!