Underpants Gnomes

Today I got up and went for a shower before going to work – as most of the planet does I would imagine (if you don’t you are stinky and should have a shower before you leave the house for work (or lacquer on the BO bash (aka deodorant)). I got out, still half asleep (as always) and dried off, made my way to the laundry to look for suitable clothes to go to work in (in a towel – well ok I mostly go in a towel).

For a little background, I wash my clothes, put them in the drier (most of my clothes have never seen a clothes line (as a matter of fact, I’m not even sure I have one)). So anyhow from the drier they make their way to the laundry floor/ironing basket – they only hit the floor as the ironing basket is filled so high it’s almost as tall as me (this has so little relevance unless you know my height so it’s 5ft8). Now if you come within a meter or so of the laundry basket you get that strange cold feeling of abandonment, see the occasional tumbleweed roll past and you back away. The ironing basket is a scary place. I don’t think it has seen the iron for years. In fact, in the last 5 years I have ironed everything in it once, I should just throw all the stuff away as I obviously never wear it, but who knows I will once again do the five yearly iron and find stuff I forgot I had – it will be like going on a shopping spree for clothes without having spent any money – but it’s not due for another 2 years. Anyhow in the mean time I wash and I do iron the essentials for work – I iron in the morning before work the outfit of the day on a “need to iron” basis, one day they will invent wrinkle free clothes and I will be saved. Anyhow this has nothing to do with the story and is a lot of waffling.

So back to it, today I head down to said basket, looking for the obvious pants, shirt, bra and undies. Now the pants are black crepe, fairly easy to spot toward the top, ok got them, the blouse, white also easy to spot, got that, bra well this item tends to work it’s way deep into the basket and I have to do some serious hunting but by some lucky break I noticed this item also on the top so got that too but undies, umm, no – not a pair (why are they called a pair I wonder?) to be seen. Now I know I have more than one, two or even 10 pairs and I know I washed every single item of clothing a few nights back, so where the hell are they all? I hunt around for a good 5 minutes tipping out the basket and picking through items one at a time until I find one pair (a rather sad looking grey pair (this is the colour they are – they are not faded or stained grey), not granny panties but they were close to it – not sure how I even have that pair but I can’t stop to debate whether they are fashionable enough to wear as I am now running late. I did (very) briefly (he, he ‘brief’ly -I made a joke) consider (not too seriously though) going commando, but knowing my luck I would rip my pants or something would happen and all would be revealed to the world , and the world (and I for that matter) are just not ready for that yet.

So what the hell happened to all my undies? Did you see the South Park episode with the Underpants Gnomes, how they kept stealing all the underpants to take over the world (it’s been awhile, I don’t really remember if this was the plotline, but I think that was the gist). But I think this is what’s happening to me, I think I am down to only one or two pairs now and I really can’t afford to loose anymore or commando will no longer be a choice, it will become my only option. What’s that I hear you say – just buy more? No I couldn’t I don’t want to be helping the Gnomes in their bid to takeover the planet. Lucky tomorrow is Saturday and it’s not essential I wear undies if I choose to hang out at home all day. I will just have to keep the two pair I have left under lock and key, I need them to wear if I want to ever leave the house again.