Registered Post

Today I sent a parcel to a friend in the States (don’t ask me who and I won’t lie about it). The funny (peculiar more than ha ha)thing is I decided to send it registered post. Now the parcel isn’t worth mega bucks, all up it’s worth maybe $50.00 but I wanted to register it mostly to make sure it got there.

Now I asked about sending it this way and was told “Oh no you can’t register it because it’s too big for the registered overseas post envelopes and you have to put it in one of those”. Now while I am standing there trying to digest why the hell I can’t pay for this service and be done with it I will never know. I was still a little confused at the logic. It’s on par with telling someone that they can’t send a letter as they have no envelopes. Well I guess in a way that's exactly what he did say.

But anyhow in my confusion I let it go, I got a bubble wrap envelope (a big one) put in my packages, including the obligatory Vegemite (a must in all foreign parcels leaving these great shores). I have assured the recipient that it lasts forever so if they don’t want it to keep it as I am sure to visit one day and I will eat it.

The kicker, well the postage (and it was unregistered!!) It cost me $20.00 to post a parcel worth only a little over that. Still I can’t complain, when I was in the States many, many moons ago I made my mum send me some Cadbury Chocolate (Australia has the nicest Cadbury Chocolate in the world) and we were staying with an ex – Oz who hadn’t had any for years. So as a thank you I got my mum to post 2 blocks over (500g). The Chocolate cost mum around $4.00 to buy and the postage was $16.00 – I still hear about that to this day... Parents, man you would have thought she would have been happy with all the stuff I bought back for her!

Underpants Gnomes

Today I got up and went for a shower before going to work – as most of the planet does I would imagine (if you don’t you are stinky and should have a shower before you leave the house for work (or lacquer on the BO bash (aka deodorant)). I got out, still half asleep (as always) and dried off, made my way to the laundry to look for suitable clothes to go to work in (in a towel – well ok I mostly go in a towel).

For a little background, I wash my clothes, put them in the drier (most of my clothes have never seen a clothes line (as a matter of fact, I’m not even sure I have one)). So anyhow from the drier they make their way to the laundry floor/ironing basket – they only hit the floor as the ironing basket is filled so high it’s almost as tall as me (this has so little relevance unless you know my height so it’s 5ft8). Now if you come within a meter or so of the laundry basket you get that strange cold feeling of abandonment, see the occasional tumbleweed roll past and you back away. The ironing basket is a scary place. I don’t think it has seen the iron for years. In fact, in the last 5 years I have ironed everything in it once, I should just throw all the stuff away as I obviously never wear it, but who knows I will once again do the five yearly iron and find stuff I forgot I had – it will be like going on a shopping spree for clothes without having spent any money – but it’s not due for another 2 years. Anyhow in the mean time I wash and I do iron the essentials for work – I iron in the morning before work the outfit of the day on a “need to iron” basis, one day they will invent wrinkle free clothes and I will be saved. Anyhow this has nothing to do with the story and is a lot of waffling.

So back to it, today I head down to said basket, looking for the obvious pants, shirt, bra and undies. Now the pants are black crepe, fairly easy to spot toward the top, ok got them, the blouse, white also easy to spot, got that, bra well this item tends to work it’s way deep into the basket and I have to do some serious hunting but by some lucky break I noticed this item also on the top so got that too but undies, umm, no – not a pair (why are they called a pair I wonder?) to be seen. Now I know I have more than one, two or even 10 pairs and I know I washed every single item of clothing a few nights back, so where the hell are they all? I hunt around for a good 5 minutes tipping out the basket and picking through items one at a time until I find one pair (a rather sad looking grey pair (this is the colour they are – they are not faded or stained grey), not granny panties but they were close to it – not sure how I even have that pair but I can’t stop to debate whether they are fashionable enough to wear as I am now running late. I did (very) briefly (he, he ‘brief’ly -I made a joke) consider (not too seriously though) going commando, but knowing my luck I would rip my pants or something would happen and all would be revealed to the world , and the world (and I for that matter) are just not ready for that yet.

So what the hell happened to all my undies? Did you see the South Park episode with the Underpants Gnomes, how they kept stealing all the underpants to take over the world (it’s been awhile, I don’t really remember if this was the plotline, but I think that was the gist). But I think this is what’s happening to me, I think I am down to only one or two pairs now and I really can’t afford to loose anymore or commando will no longer be a choice, it will become my only option. What’s that I hear you say – just buy more? No I couldn’t I don’t want to be helping the Gnomes in their bid to takeover the planet. Lucky tomorrow is Saturday and it’s not essential I wear undies if I choose to hang out at home all day. I will just have to keep the two pair I have left under lock and key, I need them to wear if I want to ever leave the house again.

Back to the land of Blog

So I have been away from Blogdom (obviously) no reason for it other than the “I have been living” (amazing how much time that takes up) and working (that also sucks quite a bit of my time).

What have I been up to? Nothing of consequence. I have had Uni stuff to do (as always), my boy is riding my ass (ummm….) about not doing my taxes (ok in his defence I haven’t done them for 4 years), I have the whatever factor going on pretty high with them but because of the hassling I finally called my accountant yesterday, who remembered me, laughed at my lack of lodgement and told me to send up the papers and he will do it in the next week or so – so his wish is my command – I’ll sort it on the weekend and fingers crossed for a big 4 year refund (or a little jail time for out standing fines – whatever…). But the accountant said it should all be good so here’s hoping.

I still have to sort the insurance, I haven’t done anything other than take some photos, I got a courtesy call today to ask me if I still wanted to go ahead with the claim, I told the guy yes I did and he told me that was fine. I just asked him out of curiosity how long I had to make the claim and you know what he said “oh indefinitely”, made me a little curious why he called to gave me the hurry up, but yes I could do with the money back – no bastard would give me a bill to pay when the insurance came back in and after everything with the move I am all poor (yeah, yeah, boo hoo to me…).

My ASDL, oh man, don’t get me started, though my numerous complaints I have gotten my first months fees refunded and any excess usage refunded to me also – tell me how my PC can upload and download info while it is turned off please, please… Tech support? You can’t tell me, oh you have to transfer me to billing…whatever, just do it…. Unfortunately many, many calls went something alone these lines and I am more than jack of it and the tards at tech support, but yes here I am on the net, I have managed to work out a way to connect, something to do with the phone and having the handset off the hook – must be a dodgy line or something – I have no idea and neither does tech support, but I can get it to connect and if one more of those tech support tards tell me it is a problem with my pc, I may go on a rampage. (Ok not really, but I have stopped being polite on the phone to them).

Anything else? Oh the house is still a brothel (untidy that is, not a house for women of loose morals) I still have it in unpack mode. I mean to clean it and say that I will do it every weekend and then I just can’t be bothered, if I kicked in it would only take a few hours, whatever I will get to it in due course. Oh and last night dishwater number 2 (I had another one when I first moved in and the door leaked and the owner swapped it for another) leaked all over the floor last night. I have so no luck with water. It is my bane. Oh and did I mention the roof of this place leaks? The owners come over and assured me it’s fixed but I won’t really know until it pisses down and I can see if swimming in the kitchen once again becomes and option.

Oh on a good note, at work we piloted a new PC system and were all give a $50 Liquorland (they sell grog in special shops dedicated to the cause here, you cant buy it anywhere else) voucher to spend as I will. Nice gesture, lucky I actually partake in the occasional beverage. Hic....

Out - of - Office

Tired of those uncreative messages or can't think what to put into the Out-of-the-Office reply, try one of these.

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed in preparation for my promotion to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 18/10. Please be patient and your mails will be deleted in the order they were received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each word thereafter.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals actually did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 10 weeks, if I am still around then.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Veges and voting

I decided to dig a vegetable garden (mostly because fresh veges shit all over anything you get at the store). But after being in the sun (for what seems like) about 50 hours. I disgruntledly looked at my pathetic attempt of a garden, it was only about a metre squared that I had actually managed to dig. It was kinda hot and I couldn’t breathe properly after mowing the lawn (I think I have some crazy allergy to grass – I couldn’t breathe for an hour or so – well ok I could breathe (otherwise I would have died) but I had a bit of difficulty) I went to go to the chemist, (Saturday afternoon all closed – what was I thinking??) to get something but after awhile it got better, just as well I suppose.

I had to vote today, well everyone in Oz had to vote – it’s compulsory here. But I would have thought that there would have been polling booths all over the place like a plague – boy was I wrong… I did a cruise around looking for one – they’re easy to spot, they are the schools, halls, churches with millions (ok a slight exaggeration) of cars parked out front and crazy stalker like people holding handfuls of “vote for my party” brochures (these people are best to be avoided at all costs – if you can manage it) if you accept from one you will be laden down with a small tree by the time you get inside to actually vote – and then horror of horrors you just throw all that paper away. Ummm I even noticed the “Green Party” had some, tut, tut.

But as I was saying I drove around for quite awhile looking (I now know the locations of the local schools) and finally gave up and went to the other side of town where I knew there would be one (I only knew this because that where it was for the last small local election). But in a town (city, whatever) of over 50,000 you would think there would have been more than one. But if there was I couldn’t find it. But needless to say I did vote and now that is over with for the next 4 years. Good luck JH.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

Stolen from an email - what can I say - I have been pretty busy with Uni and I need to post.

I have carefully selected you all to put this to the test.......

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

ASDL – Broadband

The day before yesterday – I finally upgraded from dialup to broadband, something that I have been putting off for years (well at least one). My old place was not within 5kms of the exchange so I couldn’t have it, but the new place is – so I though whoopee, finally I can get it.

I was so excited and I called my internet provider signed up for whatever I need, got asked the longest (and most obscure set of questions you have ever heard) and finally I was all good to go. So a few days (maybe a week) later I got a confirmation email. I borderline deleted it as junk mail/spam as the email address it came from have no official mail title on it at all – it came from a skip_wizz@shouldntreallyputuphisrealemail.com, which should have been an obvious warning sign of things to come.

But as I always tend to think everything will be ok (an Australian trait I believe – ever heard someone from OZ say “She’ll be right?” it’s said pretty often, and mostly everything is). But when I actually read the email (a week later or so) it told me a few things I was not aware of and didn’t really want to happen, for example my email address would change (yes the one I have had since the birth of the internet – or my usage anyhow – in 1996) and that all my user details would change. Also that I would be getting a self install kit to connect up by myself (now this gave me creepy visions of my tower being taken apart (by me) and laid across the floor as I muddled through the beginners guide to loading a network card and being in tears from frustration).

But this ‘self install' part was actually a lot easier than I anticipated, well initially at least, until I got a dreaded error message and the "cannot detect network connection". Complete failure! I spent the next half hour scouring all the paraphernalia that I received with the so called kit (which was actually an external modem and a cd of instructions and a brochure or two) looking for anything that said ‘troubleshooting', what to do if you have a problem, anything at all, but to no avail. I finally noticed a tech support number on the bottom of one of the pages and dialled that puppy to try my luck in call centre heaven, I then noticed a super small section (as in font – the fine print probably) which advised you if all else failed initially to turn both the PC and the modem off and turn them both back on – now this action had very positive results for me and as my call got answered the modem hooked up and I was good to go. Well for a short span of time anyhow.

Then when I spoke to the (non English speaking – apologies to all – but I am sure you have encountered this, if they don’t speak the language and you cant understand them and they don’t understand you – where is that going to lead? Nowhere is what I’m thinking, but anyway I gave him a chance) tech on the end of the line. Now he didn’t seem to have any idea why this wasn’t working or what might have been wrong, his suggestion was to advise me to turn off both the pc and the modem because this “sometimes just fixes the problem”, oh joy, thanks sooo much for all the excellent customer service and help you have provided me with.

Anyway eventually he transferred me through to someone else (upon my request – granted it was to a different section) and finally I got someone who knew their stuff. Fixed the problems for me and got all the email address and user names sorted for me, turns out I can keep the old one and she fixed it up for me.

So now I am happy all done and I am still the broadbanding queen – I download a few things to prove yes it is actually faster than dialup (well you know just to be sure, I cant know unless I prove it can I?).

So then I shut down my pc and go to bed once I tire of my internet download fiasco. Next day I log back on (just cause I wanted to) but to no avail, the internet is nowhere to be found, the PC starts up and I have a network error everywhere I look. Now I am not really internet savvy, I am aware of the concept and I knew this was wrong. I do the same thing as the day before but no luck, so once again I fall to the wily charms of technical support. And wouldn’t you know it, it was the exact same guy as the day before (oh my God!!! How lucky can one girl be?). Another half an hour of him not really knowing what to do and me eventually finding what I needed to myself and countless restarts later and my PC once again hooks up to the internet of its own devises. I hang up as quickly as I can after it does this and decide that I will never again turn off my PC and the internet will be hooked up forever and I will never have another drama. Oh yes, I am still wrong.

The next morning the PC has once again disconnected and upon countless restarts, setting changes and disabled programs it will still not hook up. Exasperated I once again go to call tech support only to shutdown one finally time and restart to notice as I am waiting in the queue it has hooked up (nasty bugger knew what I was doing I think). So anyhow my broadband experience has been less than pleasant, I am on the boarder of returning all the stuff and requesting I go back to dialup. I am not sure that it is worth all the angst that this is causing me, in my favour I do have a computer savvy friend who is willing to help me sort it out – apparently I have been advised that my settings are not configured properly (I’m not sure that sentence was even in English) so I will talk to him and see if he can help me fix the problem (tech support are less than helpful at my ISP).

As much as I want to, I don’t really think I have time to piss with my computer for over an hour each time I need a little internet connection. So I will see…